Back to the good old classics

Guess what? I was on a train the other day! Guess what else? They’re still crap!

Actually, there were two tulip-worthy incidents. I will label them “one” and “two”.

Incident One
As usual there was a crackly announcement on the public address system: “Today we are very sorry as the air conditioning is broken throughout the train. We are also sorry that due to staff shortages there will be no buffet car on this service. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.”

Right. I think what you are trying to tell me is that you are going to make me really thirsty, hot, dehydrated, miserable, etc but remove the right to refresh myself by buying an (overpriced, tasteless) drink.

Hate hate hate!

As you can imagine I was my usual cheerful self as I alighted to see Juliet. I really don’t know why she puts up with me!

Incident Two
This is where Central Trains completely redeemed themselves, something Eurostar have never quite managed to do, even though they were dropping me off in France to see my lovely girlfriend. Here is the public address system on the return journey: “We would like to remind passengers that smoking is prohibited in all areas of the train. This includes the carriages, toilets, and all vestibule areas.”

So far so good. About a minute later we were treated to “Passengers are reminded that smoking is prohibited in all areas of the train. This includes the man in the toilet between carriages C and D next to the buffet car.”

Genius. I am never buying a car. What would I talk about?!


24 thoughts on “Back to the good old classics

  1. Genius. I am never buying a car. What would I talk about?!

    You run out of something to say? Ha! is all I can say to that!

    However, I am very amused by the train stories and at least you could hear the crackly announcement. Whenever I have been on a train and heard one I automatically have to turn to the person next to me and say “huh? what did they say?”.

  2. On the local trains between Barry and Cardiff (a 20 minute train journey) they have started having passenger safety announcements, imagine an air hostess type explanation about where the nearest exits are and how to read the passenger safety notices so that I know what to do in an emergency.

    Now this is a train: I know where the exits are as I got onto the train through them!

  3. I was once on a (delayed, of course) train between Burley Park (I hope everybody did the accent) and Leeds when an announcement came over the cracklespeaker on the very crowded train:
    “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the late-running of this train. This was due to train staff oversleeping in the Knaresbrough area. We apologise for the inconvenience caused to your journey”.
    I kid you not.
    AND I was one of the only people on the train who seemed to notice and do that looking-around-to-see-if-anyone-else
    -noiced thing.
    (So much fun making new friends like that).

  4. Trains are so boring in the US compared to Europe! Nothing exciting or fun like that has ever happened when I have been on the train 😦

  5. In America, is it not true that the only way to get on a train is to jump on an open cargo carriage as the train trundles through the dessert? Like they do in all the movies.

    You see I would think that that was quite an exciting way to travel and that way you don’t get hassled by a train conductor either. I mean who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to pay for public transport?

  6. Yes J, we jump on those open trains when injuns are chasing us! It is the only way to escape!

    Rebecca, I hope that one day Roobik takes you to England and you can ride one of our trains, then you will really appreciate US trains! Can you believe The Texan has NEVER been on a train? Ned has and I used to have to take one to work every day in England. I think EVERYONE should ride a train at least once in their life.

  7. I am enjoying everone’s train stories…

    Here is another one I heard: “Our next station call is Nottingham. Nottingham is very good for shopping, so if that is what you are going to be doing then have a nice time. Please remember to take all personal belongings and children with you.”

    I love it when I get an announcer with personality.

  8. Argh! Welshy’s computer is rubbish (and it’s all Chris’s fault!) It keeps posting before I’ve finished… So here it is – Sheilas’ Wheels is fab – I hadn’t heard that one but totally love
    “Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin” – fantastic cleverness. They’re probably rubbish doctors…

  9. Hurray – it worked! Clearly the message I will take from this is to talk less and more quickly…

  10. There is another one which I will upload called careless surgeon which is a rip off of a George Michael song. Its fantastic I will put it up if anyone wants to have a listen…?

    I imagine they are rubbish seen as they actually spend more time doing this stuff than they do doctoring, but then they sound like they have the correct level of self love to be doctors.

  11. The year I spent in medical school means that I too have a healthy hatred for doctors.

    Please feel free to use this tulip as a forum for your mistrust of the medical profession.

    (Of course, I feel compelled to point out that I do have friends who are doctors who are okay!)

  12. Who are they? I’m not sure I believe you. The only remotely “nice” doctor I met was nice because he said “Amy, would you like to come down to A and E [he speaks like this because he is posh] with me because a fantastic multiple fractures case has just come in?” and then, when we got down there, he abandoned me for two hours with a man who might have died and whose wife didn’t speak any English and son kept asking me: he’s going to live, isn’t he?”!
    (I like orthopaedic WARDS – generally the doctors have made people well enough by the time we get them that they’re not likely to die on us).

  13. You see I like the ones that are poorly they are usually quieter so hassle you less! (Joke Or am I?)

  14. That’s a fair point but then you have the trauma and energy-usage when they arrest. Swings and roundabouts really…

  15. hmmmmn, they’re a little bit too poorly for the swings and roundabouts. They could just about manage the slide, but only if we hoist them up there.

    Yeah but I like the adrenaline rush, its also a little bit like deal or no deal?

    Die or don’t die?

  16. That is SO awful… but I laughed anyway.
    I’m not fussed on the adrenaline rush; I prefer the sitting round drinking tea on a Saturday morning, to be honest.
    (What a fantastic advert for the NHS we are eh?! They should pay us more, we might be nicer then.)

  17. They should just pay me, I qualify in September so currently working for cobwebs and toast!


  18. That is the second time someone has linked to the incredibly profane Underground song… and yes I did try to listen to it at work the first time… When will I learn?!


    Anyway, you two are just as heartless as the doctors… I mean we all knew you spoke like this when we were out of earshot, but make it less obvious please!

    You remind me of all the medical students I knew who spent their first dissection laughing at all the willies that had gone big and hard (a by-product of the embalming process, I believe…) rather than concentrating on their anatomy…

    And yes I am bitter because the two girls I was working with were too squeamish to do much, and I had to use this nutcracker thing on this (ex-)man to break all of his ribs and lift off his ribcage. It was vile. Uck, medical school.

  19. Yeah, I meant pay us really, but I guess I was deluding myself as my bursary “award” letter came yesterday… I foolishly believed that a whole £12 extra a month would make a difference…
    Have you got a job yet? There are none up here.
    Re the toast thing (once more): at least you get toast.
    Chris: re the Underground song: te he! (Tell me, is that any less annoying than LOL?)

  20. Nope been applying in London at the moment but just handed my dissertation in TODAY!!!! and so will really throw myself into it come monday (when I sober up)

    Anyway there is much much drinking to do and too little time to fit it all in!

    Don’t be bitter about the toast thing its always white bread and it makes me gassy!
    Just so you know!

    Oh and Chris sorry to seem heartless but actually no not sorry at all I think it is funny

  21. I just used 8 exclamation marks in 5 lines I really have regressed back to privative commenting.


  22. Chris, what reasonable doctors do you know? Suki? Liz?

    Come on, think it through!

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