So very, very wrong

A long one today, but worth persevering with if you share my twin loves: musical theatre and Spider-man. And who doesn’t?

Here is a casting breakdown for Spider-man: the Musical… (source:


Director: Julie Taymor
Music and Lyrics: Bono and The Edge of U2
Musical Supervisor: Teese Gohl
Book: Julie Taymor and Glen Berger
Producer: Hello Entertainment/David Garfinkle, Martin McCallum, Marvel Entertainment
Casting Director: Telsey + Company
Rehearsals: Begin 7/2/07 in NYC
Reading: 7/12/07 and 7/13/07

NEW YORK, NY 10036

[PETER PARKER] Male, late teens to early 20’s, Caucasian. A bullied, high school senior in Queens passionate about all things Science, and infatuated with Mary Jane Watson to the point of near-paralysis. Earnest, ethical, and frequently relying on his wry, self-effacing sense of humor to get out of scrapes, he was bitten by a genetically altered spider in Norman Osborn’s Lab soon before graduating and becomes after trials and tragedy a crime-fighting superhero. He struggles daily to balance the responsibilities his dual identity demands, as well as with the constant temptation to exploit the powers he has inherited. The burden of being a superhero, his guilt for his role in his uncle?s death, as well as his debilitating crush on Mary Jane all weigh heavily upon him. Great pop/rock voice.

[MARY JANE] Female, late teens to early 20s, Caucasian. Sweet, intelligent, affectionate, compassionate, with a well-developed, wry sense of humor. Her power, her luminosity, arises from the unadorned simplicity and groundedness of her presence. She is desperate to get out of Queens, to get away from her abusive father, and make a name for herself as an actress. Great pop/rock voice.

[ARACHNE] Female, 20-35 years old, any ethnicity. A beautiful, boastful young woman turned into a spider for her hubris and lack of respect for the gods. She subsequently appears to Peter Parker and the audience as in turn a powerful spider-woman who comes from another time to inspire Peter; an otherworldly lover; a bride; a terrifying (and sexy) dark goddess of vengeance; a dance partner in a charged and violent spiders dance of death; and, finally, a lonely, fragile young woman. Possesses an ethereal, unique, gorgeous singing voice. Strong Celtic, Balkan style, e.g., Sinead O’Connor. Outside the box ideas are welcomed. Could be someone from the music industry.

[NORMAN OSBORN] Male, 50s, Southern. A brilliant scientist deeply devoted to his wife Emily and to the potential of science to improve the world. Always thinking, always tinkering, always talking, he is a dynamo, a folksy whirlwind of energy cut from the same cloth as Ted Turner. An experiment gone wrong mutates him into an unholy terror called the Green Goblin contemptuous of humanity and very much insane. STRONG comic chops and strong character voice.

[J. JONAH JAMESON] Male, 50s. Brash, stubborn, and a throwback from another era, the mustachioed, cigar-chomping, tyrannical publisher of the Daily Bugle is always after the headline that will sell more papers. He is unrelenting in his hatred for Spider-Man, whom he sees as a vigilante and a bane to NYC. Need STRONG comic chops.

[GEEK CHORUS] Three teenage boys and one girl who meet to ritualistically retell the greatest Spider-Man stories. They have encyclopedic knowledge of the last forty years of Spider-Man comic books. They are inveterate role-playing, over-enthusiastic, idealistic, air-guitar-wielding, argumentative, earnest, hyper-serious geeks. Strong comic chops and strong singing voices. Any ethnicity.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO. Everything about this is wrong. On almost every line I ended up spitting cornflakes onto my laptop keyboard and pulling out huge tufts of hair. Bono and the Edge? Geek chorus?!!? Gah.

Attention if you are a passing God: if you can prevent this unholy monstrosity from being realised then you will command my allegiance for the rest of my days.

Everyone else: please email the people responsible to tell them to GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAMME. This is a bloody appalling idea. Ack.

Sorry about the slightly crazed/slightly rubbish writing today, I am traumatised.


11 thoughts on “So very, very wrong

  1. And there was me thinking you were suggesting me for the part of Mary-Jane: early twenties (ssh! They’ll never know!); sweet and intelligent; well-developed SOH; great pop/rock voice… It’s me!
    (modesty too, in abundance, of course).

  2. When villains arise, I swing through New York,
    All of the people, they stop and gawk,
    it really annoys me, and does in my head,
    this musical sucks; I wish I was dead…

    It seems the World of Musical has a dark side after all.

  3. Some things should never be even thought of, let alone carried through with. This definitely counts as one of those!


  4. But I really, really, REALLY want to see ‘a charged and violent spiders dance of death’. It sounds so tasteful.

  5. Welsh: Well developed SOH? What is it – sex obsessive hormone?!

    Stephen: very good, you should write to Bono with your suggestion.

    Ellie: yes, I know… I can’t decide if I would have to go and see it, just to stand (sit) in slack-jawed amazement at the travestyness of it.

    Meva: maybe they will bring out a highlights DVD, you could see it then?

    And TMATP: welcome, and indeed. It isn’t often I would be compelled to adjectivise the word awful with very, but this is one of those times.

    But I like the films!

  6. yep, the films were good, but I see no reason to Lloyd-Webber them.

    Reminds me of when the Simpsons had the musical version of A Streetcar named Desire – Oh! Streetcar! – or the musical of Planet of the Apes (“I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpanzee”)

    : D

  7. (ahahahaha – Miss Southernbelle! that was great!)

    Mister Chris, when i first started reading this post, i thought it might have been a joke. Alas, no, as my radio had just informed me of the same monstrous news. I do not have the words.

    p.s. sorry, but the movies were RUBBISH! And this pains me more than you can imagine as i love Spiderman. Have you ever seen the cartoons? Not the old 70’s version, but the 90’s ones? Or read the marvels? (Oh god, i’m going to get all riled up now…) I just don’t understand why Mary Jane is so soft and utterly USELESS in the movie?! Isn’t she supposed to be all vibrant & sassy, and giving Peter Parker a run for his money? HUH? I understand that the movies cannot be long enought to depict everything, but for the love of Stanley, at least respect the characters’ character! ARGH!
    And, yes, completely biased here, but little Toby has nothing on Peter. Peter Parker is Geek God Goodness. Love the villains though. They are indeed ace.

    **end rant**

  8. Oh Streetcar is hilarious… Planet of the Apes is an episode I have never seen, somehow… How sad!

    Vapvib… difficult, ve-ery difficult. At risk of exposing my incredibly sad side*, I do agree with you on most of what you are saying… But you still get to see him swinging around NYC and that satisfies enough of my boyhood fantasies to make me happy. I suspect what they were doing with MJ is synthesising comic MJ and comic Gwen Stacy in a bid to make a coherent story in 2 hours… the comics have 40 years of back story and… well they just aren’t comparable media.

    And Tobey Maguire… well he isn’t my type, but who am I to judge?

    Geek over and out.

    Everyone else, you may start reading again.

    * this statement is based on the premise that I only have one.

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