Emma K recently posted 10 reasons why she couldn’t be a man. It was good, although she had clearly not thought through the massive advantages conferred by ownership of a penis (for example the ability to buy a pair of trousers in less than twenty minutes).
I made a throwaway comment about how I could easily write 10 reasons why I couldn’t be a woman. And so she told me that I should (i.e. here). So I tried. Turns out it wasn’t that simple. You lot have it bloody easy!
So… “blogging on demand”. I have accepted my first challenge. If anyone else has anything they want me to blog about then email it in. I will probably ignore it, I am like that.
Alternatively, we could convert it into a meme… Here goes… I tag:
1. Emma K to blog on “Santa Claus” or “Trying on shoes”
2. Pomgirl to blog on “Haiku” or “Tents”
3. Welshy to blog on “Tents” or “Santa Claus“
4. Vapidly Vibrant to blog on “Why raspberry-flavoured beer probably heralds the End Times” or “Haiku”
5. Meva to blog on “Trying on shoes” or “Why raspberry-flavoured beer probably heralds the End Times”
Or you can nick each other’s categories… I’m not bothered. And you can join in if you aren’t there too, I picked randomly. It’s a very chilled out meme.
I will link to them when/if (!) they are done!
Anyway, here’s the actual post:
10 reasons why I could not be a woman
1. Bleeding. This one is fairly self explanatory. Now, there is nothing shameful about menstruation, but I wouldn’t want to do it. It is messy and inconvenient, and I just can’t reconcile the adverts for Bodyform (running around dressed all in white, windsurfing, being in love with the whole world, etc) with my own personal experiences (knife embedded in wall next to head).
2. Penis. I wouldn’t have my penis. So I couldn’t write my name in the snow without getting a nasty frostbite. Nor could I get it stuck in the vacuum cleaner, thereby necessitating a highly amusing trip to A&E that I really must blog about sometime.
3. Inequality. “To be considered half as good as a man, a woman must be twice as capable.” There is a lot of inequality around still, I suppose. Not limited to but including the problem of career breaks while you pop a few children out. Of course, the finale of the above quote (as I’m sure everyone knows) is “Luckily, this is not difficult.” That makes me smile.
4. Shopping. What doesn’t make me smile is the way you drag me round the shops. I hate shopping. It pains me. Nothing to add here.
5. Having to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a satsuma. I don’t really wish to add anything here. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Don’t touch me again, you bastard! (Coincidentally, since I wrote this, I have had a comment from Phishez_rule saying this exact thing. But I didn’t understand why… maybe now would be a good time to go into it?)
6. I would have to learn to answer questions. Yes and no are not the only answers to questions if you are a woman. I would have to develop the knack for truly putting myself in the place of the questioner, empathising, and coming up with an answer that addressed the emotional implications as well as the factual ones. As recompense, when *asking* questions I would learn the art of asking “what are you thinking?” at the most awkward time.
7. Body control and appearance. I would have to learn not to fart. I would have to learn to not sweat inappropriately. I would have to learn not to scratch things that itch when appearing in public. On the plus side, I would be able to hug same-sex friends without being called “a gayer”. I would have to start having fashion sense, and I would no longer be able to cut my own hair. I would become unable to get from deep sleep to leave-for-work in 10 minutes.*
8. Being an emotional wreck. How many of you have spontaneously burst into tears because “that dress is so beautiful”? Come on, be honest. I don’t think I could cope with all the emotion that you lot sometimes feel over the most mundane of things. I think this one might be hormonal… I also know that if I say that something is hormonal, then some of you will get a rag on. Oh look I did it anyway!
9. Toilet etiquette. I would need to become accustomed to finding the toilet seat up and being annoyed, rather than thinking “already up, how considerate”. Alternatively, I would need to become accustomed to finding the seat down, but covered in wee. I would no longer be able to leave a toilet cubicle and utter the immortal phrase “phew, I wouldn’t go in there for a bit”. I might have to learn how to make conversation in a public toilet, and even (*squirm*) look people in the eye. I would have to learn how to conduct a conversation about my love life (*bigger squirm*) between cubicles.
10. Colours. I would need to learn a million new colours, such as turquoise (a blue), mauve (a red), magenta (a red), magnolia (a white), taupe (a brown), and jade (a green). Stephen knows what I am talking about.
So that’s that. I imagine that a lot of girls/(possibly) ladies reading this will now want to make me sleep on the sofa. Sadly, I actually live with a friend at present, and not my girlfriend, so I will be safely tucked up in bed.
You should also probably be aware that we (men) secretly love sleeping on the sofa… we get all tucked up in our little sleeping bag, and it is like a camping trip. Except better, as we get to watch the late night sports on TV.
* Juliet knows that I spend hours in the shower, so she will be able to shop me on this one if she so chooses!