You know, I never do memes. So I thought I’d do one. You know, then you can all feel a bit of what it is like to be me. Which I know is what you secretly want.
The 10 things I hate in other people
1. When they do memes
Everybody knows that Weetabix are horrible. If you live in a country that doesn’t have Weetabix, you just don’t know it yet. Weetabix exist for one purpose and one purpose only: as a medium for getting as much sugar into your mouth as possible. It is well known (to me). They even soak it up. You can get a lot of sugar into yourself using the Weetabix payload system.
In a similar way, Memes are the Blog World’s way of delivering as much boring information that nobody cares about into the minds of the innocent
victims readers. This is especially true if there are 348953 questions, or if the word count is such that my mobile phone does not have enough memory to load it up. (I bet this one goes that way now… curses… I have such a lot of hate to give.)
Can you use Weetabix as a plural? Anyway.
2. When they are bad grammar fascists
I like a bit of pedantry. I like a bit of grammar fascism. The only thing I love more than the apostrophe is my beautiful girlfriend (hello dear). My beautiful girlfriend can also use the apostrophe… This is no coincidence.
I also accept that in the grand scheme of things it is not that important… If you are not that concerned by grammar, that is fine with me. Except where I can’t understand what the hell you are on about, of course, but you know… it’s not life or death, is it?
However, grammar fascism and pedantry are becoming a bit trendy at the moment (esp. in Blog World, although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised given the bunch of misfits we all are) and I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you get it right if you are going to be all arsey about it! I’m not talking about mistakes – everyone makes mistakes, even me (in fact I’ve probably made about a hundred in this very post) but don’t try to curry favour with me by pretending to be a grammar know-it-all when you can’t tell the difference between less and fewer, or use “from whence” or any number of other atrocities!
Better just to admit that you think writing is okay as long as it flows and makes sense. And doesn’t include the “word” definately.
Now I want to go and check this whole post, but I’m not going to, so I can prove I’m not always anal!
3. When they try hard to be something they are not
Not something that needs a whole lot of expanding on really. (“Hooray!”… “Shut up readers.”) I hate hearing people say things like “At the weekend, yeah, I’m gonna get completely legless, you know, go out boozing, don’t know what I’ll end up doing, yeah, probably sleep in a ditch, yeah, mental, yeah” when I know for a fact they will be watching the Thundercats DVD they just bought and doing macrame, because that is what they actually like doing.
It upsets me when decent people try to impress other (sometimes not that decent!) people. Just be yourself.
I sound a bit new age preachy here don’t I?! But I know loads of people who are a bit like this, even if it is only a bit. Sad really, maybe it is Society’s fault.*
4. When they make honesty a virtue
All right, tongue in cheek here. Obviously lies are (sometimes) bad. What I hate is people who use honesty as an excuse for venting their spite. I don’t want to go into too much detail here or I will end up being too specific, but I guess what I want to say is that honesty is a virtue that lives alongside the other virtues (prudence, tact, not-wanting-to-hurt-another-person’s-feelings-ness (my new word), sympathy, etc) not somehow above them.
I do feel that I need to specify that as an atheist (or as a non-Christian, as I have been described even though I prefer to describe myself as something I am rather than something I am not) I do not have no moral code, and do not regard truth as somehow something I have no access to. Are lies bad? Often they are, and they can be pernicious, but they can be venial too. I have perspective.
5. When they claim not to hate things
Get a backbone! You hate plenty of stuff! “Ooh, ooh, I’m such a nice person… I can’t think of 10 things I hate about people!” Whatever; I came up with a shortlist of 43 things I hated about people and I was just sitting on the bus! Hey look, I have just slapped you on the arse at work, and then winked. Hey look, I am in the queue at the coffee shop and I have just bought the last muffin and you really, really wanted it! Hey look, you’re walking on the pavement and I have just driven past you in my BMW and splashed you and now you have to spend all day in the office soaking wet. Hey, look, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness! Are you sure you can’t think of anything to hate yet?!
Just kidding of course. Well done for being a lovely person!
6. When they can’t take a joke
I like to be funny. I like to think I am funny. Sometimes (often) this means I will take the piss out of people. Sometimes I don’t have to take it, some people give it away. I especially like it when people take it back. Do it now!
7. When they pretend to be offended because they know they can and not because they actually are
I am reminded of when Tony Banks (I think) said that William Hague looked like a foetus. Ah, it was brilliant. When everyone had finished laughing (on both sides of the house) all the Tories got in a big old huff and pretended to be upset, and Banks (I think) had to make an apology. Which of course he did with much sincerity and grace. Why did any of them bother?!
This is a more insidious when it applies to perceived offences relating to race, age, or sexual orientation or gender, all of which are serious problems (or the inequalities thereof are anyway!). Are you really offended because Jade Goody is a racist (to go back to a tried and tested, and less topical, example) or just because she is stupid and has a big gob? Who knows, maybe by suggesting this I am a racist myself?
8. When they are Robert Kilroy Silk
Twat. Twat. Twat.
9. When they have preconceptions of what they will like (and therefore will not try new things)
“Oh I haven’t tried reading Harry Potter, I don’t like fantasy books.” Come on Welshy (sorry, maybe I should have made you anonymous! I don’t actually hate you, honest!) you can’t possibly know whether you would like it or not! Everyone else loves it, maybe you would too!
Or (worse by far) on an occasion where a friend of mine had a dinner party do and had made about 5 curries (all from scratch, and all amazing) as well as a variety of rices, naans, parathis, etc, and my other friend said “well I only really liked the Rogan Josh”. When pressed on which ones he had tried and disliked he answered “well I only really tried the Rogan Josh, I don’t like much else”. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
10. When they think of something good before I do
Yes, yes, I am the bad one here, I know that. But I hate it when someone says something that has a funny response and someone gives it before I get chance to swallow my bite of ham sandwich. Note how I have set the scene so I have an excuse to not be the quick one, so it is not just that someone might have quicker reflexes than me (curse you quick witted people!).
This also applies if you have done this meme, and given an answer I wanted to give!
11. When they don’t like music
You know, I was only supposed to think of 10, but my hate is a bit like a Spinal Tap amp. Most people stop at 10, but I like to have that little bit extra for when I need it. So for number 11 I am hating people who don’t like music. I don’t care if you like classical music, punk, cheesy pop, nasty grungy rock, happy house or thrash metal (I like all of these!), you can even like the bagpipes (gah, Stephen!**) if you must, but if you do not like it at all then you have no soul. And if you have no soul, may I recommend The Eagles.
Anyway, let’s stop hating… Why can’t we all just get along?!
* Yes, yes, Mr Wales… there is no such thing as Society…! [sigh] Ha ha, William Hague looks like a foetus! (Ahem.) Sorry!
** I feel I should point out that Stephen is an excellent piper, even if he disagrees with me on this sometimes. I am hardly qualified to comment on technique, I should point out, but he is pleasant to listen to in a way that a lot of others are not. I nearly found myself accepting the bagpipes as allowable music, and then I heard that busker that stands outside Marks and Spencer again (Welshy you know the one)… BLOODY APPALLING! Sorry.