Why I had to give up chocolate biscuits

As a child I hated getting my fingers dirty. With anything, including mud, food, even my own excrement.*

But I loved chocolate biscuits. Dilemma!

When I was very little this was okay, as my Mum used to undo the wrapping, etc, and feed them to me! Thanks Mum, by the way! But as I got older, she realised this was inappropriate. She would (try to) make me do it myself. “You are a big boy now, Chris, and big boys need to learn to eat their own biscuits! When you go to University next year, everyone will laugh at you if you can’t do it yourself.” (Joke.)

But I couldn’t do it without getting chocolate everywhere on my hands and face. So I would have a tantrum. Then she would frown as if she had raised a weird child and say, “You will have to not eat them then!”

So I didn’t. I don’t know the exact dates, but I spent several years chocolate free, from the end of being fed until I had mastered digital co-ordination to such an extent that I could do it without getting it everywhere.

It was traumatic of course! But it was also necessary!

Is this common?

* nods to expert turd-painter Ned on this one!


19 thoughts on “Why I had to give up chocolate biscuits

  1. Ned has not turd-painted for a while, he is instead fascinated with his willy now and trying to pee on ants.

    Um, I think you were/are slightly weird and your mom was quite right to look at you in such a way. Could you have not licked the chocolate off your fingers?!

  2. Well done Ned.

    Don’t be disgusting! Lick them?!

    Take your abnormality elsewhere!!

  3. I know a two year old who gets very upset when her hands are at all dirty so you certainly aren’t alone…
    Now I really want a penguin biscuit. Sigh.
    Oh, and re jaw wiring. Don’t even joke. It is a horrible thing (which has certainly contributed to various issues I now have, mainly the vomit phobia…). Some Americans do choose to have it done as a means of weight loss. Certainly I found it very effective in that department but really, not worth it!

  4. What, you’re kidding?!

    People would choose to have it to lose weight… that is horrible!

    What a world we live in, eh?

    Your point is taken on board, I will just duct tape her shut if she gets mouthy.

  5. Those of you from the North who have journeyed south to the land of Awful Chocolate (Australia,) may be interested to know that the reason our chocolate is so indescribably awful is that it contains anti-melting agents, so the problem you describe is not so great an issue here. But seriously, avoid our version of Cadbury like the plague.
    Oddly, Tim Tams, a chocolate biscuit/religion, is one of the best available in the world.

  6. *sigh* I still get chocolate everywhere. My husband is a very fastidious eater and looks disgustedly at me with my melty fingers.

    (He also hates when I eat “crisps” as you call them – he says I eat too loudly – but that’s another story.)

    Seriously, the man can hold chocolate in his fingers for ages and it doesn’t melt, whereas I practically just look at it and it’s all over the place.

    On topic though, I have known other little kids who got distressed when dirty, so you are not weird – in that way at least ; )

  7. Nai – “chocolate biscuit/religion” – damn straight, I will be stocking up when I go home for a visit in October!

  8. Unfortunately the first time I tried the ‘hot drink through a Tim Tam’ experience, it was a caramel one. Everywhere simply does not even begin to describe the mess that I made! Chris you would have been shying away from me in disgust 🙂

  9. Chris’s mum told me this story the first time I met his parents (supposedly so they could meet his new girlfriend, but in practice his mum had decided to withhold judgement as to whether I was his girlfriend or not, and indeed told his family to do the same, so all my good behavious was wasted) Bless Chris, I imagine him being quite cute as a small child.

    I still have some trouble with sticky fingers (the years of having my dad screaming at you for as you left the table about not getting your sticky fingers all over the house, and him examining doorknobs and the like for traces of disobedience.) I now frequently use a tissue to hold whatever I’m eating so as to avoid the whole problem

  10. I still don’t like messy fingers much. But it’s because of the feel of it rather than the look of it. I have to hold icy pole sticks with the wrapper. I have to rid oranges of every bit of pith. I cringe at the thought of touching peach skin, especially with my teeth. I also hate touching newspaper (although I’ve never attempted this with my teeth).

    So! There’s a few things you didn’t ask to know. But I’m a generous soul and live to give.

  11. I can’t believe people are defending Chris on this one. You’re clearly strange, Chris, and deserve mocked and laughed at (in that order).

  12. I am not defending him, he is very weird and I said so in my initial comment! But he also remembers everything (damn it!) and I have told him some things that maybe I shouldn’t have, so I can’t mock him too much!

  13. I don’t know what your problem is Chris, just ram the whole biscuit into your mouth at once, hence no need for sticky fingers. Or else, keep the chocolate digestives in the fridge and the chocolate will not melt so quickly under your fingers.

  14. If you can’t/won’t eat them, destroy the biscuit factories so no-one can have them!

  15. As if millions of jammie dodgers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced

  16. Fine!

    All of you!

    I AM normal!

    Tim Tams sound very exciting, I have been looking for a new religion recently.

    SouthernBelle, you sound quite disgusting, well done. You are wrong however when you say we call them “crisps” – they simply are crisps.

    Hot chips/cold chips, what is this madness?! What about when you let your (hot) chips go cold? Are they cold hot chips?


    Someone must also explain the “hot drink through a Tim Tam”?! Sounds horrid.

    Newspaper is very slightly greasy, I will grant you that Meva, and the print does get everywhere… eurgh… well done, now I can’t read the paper either!

    Captain Ric, I am clearly strange yes. Including, but not limited to, my tolerance of your cousin, even though she has tried to shake me off several times by changing (a) the country she lives in, (b) the country she lives in (again), and (c) her name.

    Your suggestions are appreciated… ramming the whole thing in your gob has its attractions, as does a robotic hand (?!).

    Inc, you show a commendable sensitivity for the feelings of others! Are you a chocolate lover yourself?!

    Your task is to compose a poem: the title will be “As if millions of jammie dodgers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced” as suggested by the Captain.

    Bye bye everyone!

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