The sex offenders register

“You know, I’m not sure these people should even be in schools.”

This is a joke by Jimmy Carr*. I went to see him last week. He was simultaneously very amusing and very offensive. This was one of his tamer ones. In general, I would recommend him without hesitation, unless you are easily upset. Give him some money; go see a show or buy a DVD. Or if you are a cheapskate then go and search him on YouTube.

In the spirit of this blog, here is my e-mail correspondence with Jimmy.

Chris wrote:

Hello there.

On your recent DVD you asked people to send in jokes. So here is one:

Q: How do you kill an entire circus?
A: Go for the juggler.

I apologise if it is not suitable for your purposes. If you were to use it on stage you might find you have to adapt it to your own style. Here is my suggestion of how to do so:

Q: How do you kill an entire circus?
A: Go for the fucking juggler, you fat cunt.

Anyway, hope the joke at least made you laugh.


You will recognise the joke as one I put on the blog a while back (or you might not). I am very fond of it, so hoped Jimmy would be too. I had a mixed response:

That email really made me laugh.

I went from thinking this bloke is a little simple to; hang on I’m the simple one, he’s very funny.

I may just have to rethink my style.

Big up

Jimmy (yes the real one retard)

I thought “retard” was a bit harsh personally. And I can confirm from last week’s performance that he hasn’t rethought his style, and I am glad. Maybe I was pushing it with my reply however:

Fair play, you answer your own emails. I respect that.

Interesting use of a semicolon for someone with four A’s at ‘A’ Level, though.

I am glad you laughed, although I should point out that I paid £13 for the privilege of laughing at you (on DVD).

Would you like to send a cheque or shall we meet?


Anyway, this was a while back and I haven’t heard back. Do you think he has a restraining order placed against me? Should I email him to congratulate him on his show, or does this make me look a bit like a psycho stalker?

Your thoughts are welcome, and I will leave you with my favourite Jimmy Carr joke:

“I split up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. Well, I say that; she died in a bungee-jumping accident.”

* and one that will have made no sense to the people who don’t read the titles of blog posts


13 thoughts on “The sex offenders register

  1. That was just one email too far. And, yes, it did make you seem a bit of an unhinged stalker. (The joke was good, though.)

    Are you a bit of an unhinged stalker, Chris? Is julietbec really your girlfriend or just someone you follow around a lot? Hmmmmm?

  2. Actually I write that entire blog in a bid to appear like I might be able to get a girlfriend. Good though, isn’t it?

    And yes, it is easy to forget that in the effort to appear like you might be an unhinged stalker, you might actually appear to be an unhinged stalker. If you follow my meaning.

  3. No-one!

    Although “Follow” is punjabi for penis, incidentally.

    Not spelt like that of course!

  4. That sounds like you use your penis like a divining rod. You’re not following anyone at all. You’re just following your penis.

    That’s okay, then.

  5. Chris, you will think I am an idiot, but I don’t get the sex offenders joke… please explain?

  6. I thought the joke was great. I’m going to use it at my dinner party tonight (ha)

    Maybe no more emails. Emails can get out of hand, I think. Best to stick to straight stalking.

  7. I also thought the joke was good… and I am going to share it with my 9 year old and see if she gets it.

    I also agree that the last email was verging on the stalker-ish. Unless Jimmy Carr was already aware that you are prone to the pedantic last word, which I figure he wasn’t, then it may have come across as more ‘yeah, yeah… [pause to think] well you too. ha!’ than the witty repartee to which you were aspiring.

    Having said all of that, I have never heard of Jimmy Carr. I must away to google to rectify this.

  8. The first time I saw Jimmy Carr (on TV), I thought he was great. He was telling jokes that were funny and intelligent. It’s quite rare these days to find an intelligent comedian (there are quite a lot of these) who will tell intelligent jokes, because most people just don’t get them.

    Then he became famous and I saw him presenting some things. He was ok, but the writers who were doing his stuff were obviously not very good. So I watched carefully for his next televised stand up gig… And I told all the people I knew about it…

    And it was awful. He had changed from an intelligent comedian into someone who ([sarcasm on] I don’t know how he does it [sarcasm off]) swears a lot and insults people. [sarcasm on] Great. Just what I always wanted to see. [sarcasm off]

    Truly, a wasted talent.

  9. i too am one who likes to have the last word. although, when it comes to petty work email battles, of which i am often apt to be invited into, i tend to ignore, as i believe by not participating in such email battle of wits it actually makes me the winner.

    “i’m sorry. i’m so terribly important that i failed to notice that you, pittly-low creature, even emailed me. was it important, then?”

    so this has nothing to do, really, with your post, but the joke is quite funny, and i will reuse and not give you any credit. sorry. but you have my permission to use the: what did the zero say to the eight joke? (nice belt.)

    and this comment is way too long. this is why i have no time to post on my own blog.

  10. I hope I haven’t been added to the Chris offenders register. Because I’m not sure those people should even be allowed to blog. Not in English, anyway.

  11. Well, thanks for your kind comments, Anonymous.

    However, I don’t think it is necessarily true that all black people are “homos”.

    Now piss off and don’t come back.

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