My new friends, part two


It’s a conspiracy I tell you. I haven’t decided how exactly yet. Maybe I will leave it to that master of conspiracies, Stephen, to work out the finer details.

I will call it The Great Scandinavian Conspiracy. Yes, with capitals.

What they do (the Scandinavians) is enslave you as a child by getting you addicted to Lego. I don’t know if this is just boys, but I suspect not from my recent researches (with Rebecca Juliet).

Then they unleash Ikea on you as a young adult (when you can’t afford to buy proper furniture). Ikea is exactly the same as Lego, but bigger, and more likely to make you hit your thumb with a hammer. This in turn is more likely to make you accidentally say “fuck” in front of your mother.

Then you eventually have children, and you buy Lego for them, and having kids means you can probably only afford Ikea then too, and the whole sickening cycle goes on and on forever.

What I can’t quite work out is why the Evil Scandinavians do this. But when Denmark and Sweden rival China and India in the future as the dominant world economies, you will mark these words. Mark them, I tell you!

[manic laughter to fade]


7 thoughts on “My new friends, part two

  1. It’s all about training a new generation of vikings. Lego teaches engineering skills necessary to become expert ship-builders, while hitting one’s thumb with a hammer can only lead to a berserk rage.

    I would suggest checking to see if you had recently purchased a horned helm, but apparently the vikings didn’t wear those. So, it would be a matter of rather more concern if you don’t own a horned helm. So…?

  2. I am trapped by your logic.

    I do not own any helm, horned or otherwise. I did at one point own a “beanie”, but I looked foolish. Does this count?

    I need to go out now to pillage, I will see you later.

  3. I miss Ikea. The nearest one is 4 hours away from me, so I guess I don’t miss it that much. And I don’t have one of those pick up trucks that all the rednecks drive here to bring any goodies back in.

  4. freakin’ ikea and their maniacal low priced homegoods.

    i have an ikea “not-made-for
    cooks-and-make-macaroni-and-cheese-at least-once-a-week-for-dinner” collander (sp? — read: strainer) with holes too big for tiny cheap macaroni and half of said pasta ends up in the drain.

    on the plus side, they do make 5 x 5 photo frames, which are just the right size for my wedding photos – a dimension that flies in the face of conventional frames.

  5. My Ikea collander is one of my favourite kitchen implements!

    My favourite thing about Ikea is probably the blatant made-up Swedish names they have for things to make overgrown adolescents like me laugh. Things like “Fukkem” and “Hore”, you know the kind of thing.

  6. I miss my IKEA stuff. we furnished our student kitchen with everything from there! My pine bookshelf did sterling work, such a shame I left it in Britain 😦

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