50% mandible, 50% stinger. 100% bastard.

It was my turn for a lie in on Sunday and so I found myself in the enviable position of snuggling my pillow at 7.45am. I know what you are thinking, only a lazy oaf would be in bed at such a late hour, but me and my pillow were having a great time and nothing you can say will make me feel guilty.

Alas! It was then that disaster struck as I was rudely awakened from my dream about being stabbed with a safety pin by an actual stabbing sensation in my pyjamas.

For those who prefer hard facts to implication (and who haven’t worked it out from the picture) a little bastard wasp had snuck into my pyjamas for a sneaky cuddle. But then finding the cuddle not to its liking decided to sting me repeatedly on its way out onto the mattress.

Upon (finding my glasses and) seeing it perched perkily on the side of the pillow, I decided to make it my life’s work to eradicate the world of this wasp. This was an unfortunate choice of life’s work as but 2 minutes and a smear on my slipper later, I found myself in need of a new vocation.

RSPCW activists can bugger off as there is no point to wasps, and before Stephen or someone points out about pollination, I am allergic to that too and so would be quite happy should a giant slipper do to all of waspkind what I did to this one. Wasps are pointless; there shall be no discussion.

Being stung seven times (there was some uncertainty as to the number of stings due to the general redness, but I have now counted them) was extravagantly painful and unpleasant, and I am only glad I had successively weaker stings from a single bastard rather than one sting each from an enraged nest of bastards.

NHS Direct were very helpful and I took some anti-histamines and bathed the affected areas in warm soapy water (apparently to wash off the faeces that the wasp would have deposited there – bastard!). Then I proceeded to feel like I had had a mini stroke for the rest of the day as I lost the feeling down the right side of my body!

Not really sure where I am going with this, but I’ve shared it with Facebook and Twitter and got no bloody sympathy there so thought I would try for no sympathy here too.

Moral – don’t ever sleep, or kill all wasps on sight. You pick.


3 thoughts on “Tube

  1. This is quite terrible! Thank you for drawing my attention to your story, even if only so I can mention a wasp stinging her in the armpit next time I see Welshy. I feel sure it will confuse her and she will do that eyebrows-together look.

    If I have learnt anything from these occasions it is the second you see a wasp you should treat it WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

    I recommend a plastic ruler. You can get some force behind you by flexing one of those bad boys.

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