“Poems on personal hygiene” is one of the top searches for this blog, as are variants such as “tips on personal hygiene”, “hygiene tips (with poem)”, and so on.
One thing that stands out is that even if you smell, gentle Googler, you can at least spell “hygiene”. Well done! Presumably all the illiterate stinkers are going elsewhere*.
I am ever responsive to the desires of my readers, so here we go:
An ode on personal hygiene
When you’re on the beach in Rio,
And you haven’t used a deo
dorant, muching on a Trio**,
And you smell a hint of B.O.
If the air is turning sour,
Maybe it’s time for a shower.
When you’re slobbing watching telly,
With a tray of vermicelli
Resting squarely on your belly,
And you’re smelling something smelly.
Even though it is anath’ma
to you, maybe you should bath mo’.
If you’re blaming it on your Y gene,
Or you’re screaming “I don’t know why, Jean!”+
(and she says maybe it’s your “eating chips and pie gene”)
Or, moreover, if you’re Googling bloody “tips on personal hygiene”…
… and looking on a blog for advice,
Then read the following through. Twice.
Chris’s tips on Personal Hygiene
(To be read through (twice) by those in need of assistance – others may skimread once)
1. Take a shower every day. I recommend in the morning.
2. Brush your teeth twice a day. Once in the morning, once before bed.
3. Flossing is encouraged by the dental community.
4. Mouthwash helps with bad breath. EXCEPT THE GREEN FLAVOUR WHICH ONLY HELPS YOU PUKE.
5. Deodorant and anti-perspirant do what they say on the tin; their use is advised. Some people like to think they can be closer to nature by not using any. Tip: nature smells and so will you.
6. Wear new clothes every day. This is a must for socks and pants. Your usage of other clothes may vary depending on your sweatiness, but I recommend a clean shirt every day too. Trousers are negotiable.++
7. There are probably more, but these are the basics.
Let me know if I have changed your life in the comments.
* http://www.dailymail.co.uk – ahaha!
** I don’t think these are available any more, which is sad
+ Jean is presumably a friend or confidante in this cautionary tale
++ Trousers aren’t negotiable. Changing your trousers is negotiable.