Licking a scone in Muffin Break while a stranger looks on, uncertainly

Me and RJ/RJ and I went to Muffin Break for a swift drink and cake. I had a coffee and apple cake. She had tea and a scone.

This is what is known as setting the scene for the following story. Are you with me?

Repeat after me: “Scone”. Now, all of you who pronounced it to rhyme with “bone” go outside and hit yourselves over the head with a frying pan

Still following?

RJ then decided she needed the loo. But – disaster! – she still had half a sconn left.

RJ: “Can I trust you not to eat this scown?”
Me: “Of course!”*
RJ: “No. No, I can’t.”
[RJ stares at sconn]
RJ: “I’ve memorised the exact configuration of scown, jam and cream. I will know if you touch it. Hang on! Wait! I’ve got a camera!”

RJ then proceeded to take a photograph of said sconn. The lack of trust in this marriage is disappointing isn’t it?

Now anyone who knows me at all will have no problem guessing what I did next, as RJ left for the toilet. Unfortunately, the man next to me chose this moment to introduce himself into the story.

Man: “Hello, are you from XXXX?”**
Me: “Um, no.”
Man: “Ah, you look a lot like someone I know from there.”
Me: “Ah, um. You must know them very well. It’s not me I’m afraid.”
Man: “Ah.”

I then proceeded to jump over the table, take a photograph of me licking RJ’s sconn and return to my seat. AS ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD.

The man looked on uncomfortably, drank his drink in about three seconds and then left.

Where did I go wrong?

* She absolutely couldn’t. I would have eaten it.
** There isn’t really a place near us named after an Australian beer, it’s just I don’t remember what he said. But I wasn’t from there.


2 thoughts on “Licking a scone in Muffin Break while a stranger looks on, uncertainly

  1. Oh this is sooo soooo funny!!!!!!!! I am literally crying here! I wouldn’t trust my boyfriend either- he’s such a greedy thing, he always steals my food (and I am not the type of girl to eat little, I eat everything!) . What did RJ say when she saw the photo?!!!

    • She was delighted to see my handsome face of course.

      You haven’t answered the question of how I offended him – should I have pretended to be his friend before licking my wife’s sconn?

      The study of Etiquette is fraught with such questions.

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